One year ago at 6:13pm, Callie Taylor made her long awaited arrival and turned our little organized, in order lives upside down. I have been reflecting a lot on the last year and how much she has completely changed our lives. For some reason or another, being a mama was never really my biggest dream. I felt a little selfish for the job and honestly, I didn't really think I would be good at it. Before I got pregnant, I was so happy living our little married life in Remus that I just did not see how it could get much better! We did what we wanted, when we wanted and we had a lot of fun-just the two of us! But, there was this little piece that we didn't even know we were missing. Whenever I found out, a little surprisingly, that we were expecting, I can remember saying these exact words to my mama- "I feel like my life is over." And she responded- "Your life is just beginning."
Before Callie was born, I was quite literally a nervous wreck. I did not love being pregnant, I really didn't appreciate the beauty of it all the way I might if we were to have a baby number two, and I never really felt a strong bond with her whenever she was in the womb. I loved her because she was mine, but I wasn't just a puddle in the floor over her little self growing inside of me. I was scared of the moment she was here and I was supposed to know what to do with her because I quite frankly had no idea. And since I wasn't just so excited to meet her I could not stand it, I was scared that I wasn't going to fall in love with her the minute they handed her to me. Forget fall in love- I was scared I wasn't even going to like her! I knew that we could make it if I loved her, but what if I didn't?! These were my actual thoughts.
By some miracle, on January 8, 2018, I survived a very long day of labor that was probably worse than all of the scenarios I had played over in my head, but somehow didn't seem that bad in the moment....and I knew just what to do with Callie within hours of her arrival. It honestly came so natural that I felt like I had been doing it forever. Thank you Lord. Within the first few days of having her, I didn't even recognize the person I had become. Being a mama is a crazy, beautiful thing. Whenever she was just a little bitty baby, I can remember telling Austin that it felt like she had been apart of us all along. She's always been ours! I will never get over the miracle that having Callie is to us. There are days that Austin and I look at each and say- "isn't it crazy that we have a baby? Like- there is a baby crawling around our house right now!" I am not even kidding.
If I have been away from Callie for any amount of time or sometimes if she's just been napping and she wakes up, being back with her is almost like meeting her for the first time all over again. There is excitement, there is amazement, there is so much LOVE. The bond that we share is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. There are times I look into her eyes and I think I see her soul. Whenever she's going to sleep on my pillow and I smile at her and she smiles back with her eyes closed and her little paci grin, I cannot even stand it. I've been brought to tears by her sugars and love more times than I could count. Being her mama is by far the most exhausting yet precious thing I have ever done. She makes me a better version of myself.
Having Callie opened a door to a world that has always been out there, but I had never known. I'll never forget the first time I walked into Jewelry Just For Fun after I found out she was a girl or the day I discovered the baby section at Wal-Mart and its million different formulas or whenever I was added to the Facebook page- Smocking Hot Moms Without Entitlement. Who knew 10000s of mamas around the world resale their children's clothes on Facebook around the clock??! Haha. (#obsessed) All of those things have always been there, but I never really noticed them until now... now that I'm a mama!
Being a mama is a scary thing because time isn't slowing down for us. If the next seventeen years go by as fast as this one has, she will be flying the coop faster than we think. Whenever times get tough and I'm living off of frozen pizzas and terrible sleep, I just think to myself that it isn't always going to be this way. She isn't always going to come crawling to the bath tub when she hears my bath water running or have a complete meltdown whenever I walk out of the room at her bedtime. I won't always be picking sweet potatoes out of the rug or stepping on green beans she threw from her high chair into the kitchen floor. She isn't always going to be this little or this dependent or this attached to her mama. My goal in the next year is to try to enjoy the here and now and to be as present as possible because I don't want to miss a single minute.
So on her birthday, I hope this little firecracker always knows how very much she is loved. Not only by her mama and daddy but a host of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family and friends. I pray God's hand over her because I know he is with her whenever I can't be. I pray that Austin and I will be the parents she needs us to be and that we are building a strong foundation for her little life.
Happy Birthday, Callie Taylor!
We love you more than we knew was possible!
